Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Scared

I'm scared.
And a little bit lot sad.

You know that vacation?
That one week, stay in a posh hotel, eat and do whatever I want vacation?

It didn't rejuvenate me.
It didn't make me so glad to be home and back with my kids.

Instead it made me selfish. And tired.

And that camping trip?
Just a chore.

And the visit with a long time friend?
More tired and hateful to the kids.

I am tired.
I don't know if I'm even allowed to say that after such a blessed vacation, but I am. My house is still a wreck, there is still a pile of wood trash sitting on my curb, and I just can't get a handle on the laundry. I feel tired and ill and just want to crawl back under the covers, and when my sweet baby boy rejects the idea of naptime and repeatedly comes out of his room I smack him.

My mother's day was great and the kids were sweet and so was Joel.

And I don't feel as though I deserve it because I suck.

7 comments:

Briana said...

Sarah, it's okay, it happens to all of us. It sounds as if you are in a "mommy blues" moment, and the evil one is just egging you on. I will pray for you. You are an awesome mom and can get past this.

Angela O. said...

You're in a slump and it feels hopeless. I understand. My house is a constant wreck and "mean mommy" to quote Danielle comes out more often than I would like to admit. It WILL get better, I promise. And it is ok to feel sorry for yourself every once in a while.

Mandi said...

We all go through funks. I will pray that this one will pass quickly, and that you will come out of it with more understanding for the Lord's love for you and for your children.

ndossey said...

I am sorry friend. I can understand what you are feeling like. We all have these moments, but I know that doesn't make these times any easier. Call me if you need to talk.

Chris said...

It is probably just post vacation stress disorder. Hang in there.

Kar said...

You sound worn out. A friend of mine jokes about needing a vacation from your vacation. Sometimes we get so much going on, we need time to just sit still, or take a few things off our to-do list. I am not a mom, but I've heard this is extra challenging for moms b/c there's so much you have to do. The moms on this list can correct me if I'm wrong. But I bet you need a few more gaps in your schedule to breath, if you can (I know sometimes you just can't). Love you.

Bluecanary said...

Sarah, you are a great mom, and it’s good to see you with your kids. It seems like so often we concentrate and beat ourselves up over our occasional weaknesses and miss the long streaks of love and support. The one time (and yes, I can only remember one, but many opportunities that I created for there to be more, but there wasn’t) I remember my mom losing it was actually really good for me. My mom is the most kind and patient woman I know. I will not go into what it was exactly, only to say she threw something non-lethal at me, because if I brought it up to my mom, it would break her heart. On the way to school I remember thinking that I must have seriously crossed the line to get my mom to react that way. (I did.) The first my mom did when I got home was apologize to me, and I had to apologize to her too. It was an instant lesson learned, because it was the exception and not the rule. That a quick moment of “losing it” bothers you so much is a testament to how much you love your children and want to be the best mom you can for them.